HI my name
is Donna and I am an alcoholic and addict
started using at a very young age. Drinking just seemed a way of
life from early on. It took me out of ME. I was afraid of my own
shadow all my life. Alcohol and drugs made me feel like I was someone. Little did I realize it just robbed me from living.
I was a people pleaser all my life, always in fear of not being accepted. I was robbed of my childhood at an early age and
never seemed to fit in anywhere. All I ever wanted was to be loved but at the
same time I wanted to be left alone. Depression and suicide played on my mind a
lot . My first attempt at suicide was in 6th grade with a plastic knife. All
that got me was a trip to Gray Stone.
( something I became very good at
later on in my life)
I had trouble in school , always looking for attention in the wrong ways and
I got married at a young age (18)
to the man of my dreams (
although as much as I knew this some where deep inside me the disease
had me convinced he was evil)
life would be great to get out of house and live life on my terms. HA! Drinking came more and
the drugs. After
getting married and moving to a new city, I always seemed to be going back to
where I grew up, thinking I was missing something in the bar I hung out
in. I got in a lot of trouble during the first year of my marriage
due to all the lie's I had to tell him. I lied so much it was just part
of life any more. My whole marriage was a mess. My life was a total
mess. BUT somewhere in the back of my mind I though it was everyone else
who was messed up!! I ended up I getting a job and finding a
new hangout where we lived. I would go out most nights with these new
people and come home wee hours in the morning and wondering why my
husband was so upset. I never thought of anything but drinking and drugs.
Life was all about ME. I lost contact with my few good friends I did
have and I used anyone else I could. My family was so worried about me,
but I made it seem it was all my husbands fault. I would make up stories
and led then to believe he was mean to me and cruel. I played the victim
for many , many years. My moods were so erratic and I never knew
what I wanted. I decided to have a baby and that I did. Let
me tell you this, I was a very sick person those first couple months of
pregnancy. Besides the morning sickness I was coming off all the booze
and drugs. But I did not drink for 9 months and thought , I'm not a alkie I
stopped on my own. But as the 8th month rolled around I thought of
all the new beers that came out and could not wait to try. The
day I came home from hospital with my son, I got drunk!
on for year and half until I was pregnant again. I stopped
drinking again for 9 months. Life was going to be different I was
going to stay clean and sober this time. But
the urge to drink was heavy on my mind more so with this pregnancy. When
my second son was born the drinking started again and progressed
more then ever. I always thought I hid it well but looking back , I didn't at all. My life was centered around drinking.
Everything my son's & I did I had to drink. I thought I was a
wonderful mother. But I realize that a mother doesn't need to drink at
9am to start the day. Or to drink while at the park with her kids, or to
urinate in the bushes while her sons look the other way, in front of
other parents and kids., or have the police bring you home because you
passed out on the sidewalk with your kids waiting for you to wake up.
husbands family is involved in politics)
I was an embarrassment to him and his family.
I also was hurting myself (
Self Mutilation- another
addiction) and blacking out a lot. Days ran into weeks and I never
seemed to care about anything
until I got that drink in me. I
think now of the insanity. I drank around the clock and I wanted
to die more and more. My kids meant everything to me
but life ment nothing and the darkness was winning. I attempted suicide many
times by no .On the day I finally put down the drink I was a
mess! My arms were all bandaged from the attempted suicides that
week prior. And the day before I put the drink down I took my kids
and left home. We
went to stay with friends . We took our first taxi ride and I made him stop at liquor
store for a bottle of VO and blacked out. I didn't come out of it till
we were at my friends place that night. I attempted suicide again. I cut my wrist's and drank
till I blacked out. Next thing I remember is being in emergency
room and they wanted to admit me. They patched me up as best they could, I
already had an infection in my arm, so they could not stitch it up. I ran from there and went to
nearest liquor store bought a bottle with my my kids in tow. I
finally went back to my friends house and then left for home. We had to
walk and boy I do remember it was a long walk and we got lost a few
times. I was a mess and life just seemed at that point to hard to face,
although I had to get my kids back home to there father. When we finally
got back my husband told me to get out ....
was bloated ,cut up, bandaged all on my wrists and arms .I looked
like a zombie, and thought about my kids. My husband gave me a choice
of either leaving and losing my 2 sons or going in to a rehab. Well I
chose to go to rehab.
was the beginning of A.A. for me. That was 5/10/88.
My 2 sons
were young 5 and 3. I was trying hard to live life on life's terms
But still I suffered from deep depression as time went on. Suicide again was all that I thought of, but never told
anyone. I thought of drinking and drugging all the time , but never told
anyone. I was very active at meetings and did all that was subjected. But I did not want this sober life the people had in
A. A. I managed to stay dry, I think for 6 years.
I stopped going to meetings after 2 or 3 years ( I have a 3 year coin so I
must of celebrated) And I finally picked up that first drink.(
what year I did that I still am not sure)
stayed out there for a few more years, before coming back to the rooms of A. A. I have no memory of most of those
years, it is all a blur.
It was worse out there then before. Even though I didn't drink everyday. I found
out what a periodic drinker was. I found out it was that "first drink"
that got me drunk. I blacked out a lot and
I managed to live through 2 over dose's.
I am learning about me: "Donna". I have bad days more
then good, as I'm not a healthy person. But a drink or drug is
not the answer today.
I have a HP and I have FRIENDS today :).I
live life one day at a time and try to do it to the best of my ability. My sons are 14 and 17 now.
They have seen more then most
kids and I'm grateful
that they are healthy and happy, and they
support me a lot!!
They lived threw my nightmare and came out to
be 2 wonderful loving kids :)
I thank God for this.
I have a long way to go,
but I have a HP today and I'm the most
important person in my life !
I'm grateful for A. A. today and
that I was given another chance
to learn how to live life on life's terms,, :)
No matter what,,
Drinking and Drugging is not!
the answer today!!
I have so much in the short time I
have been back in the rooms of A. A.
I'm teachable today
clean date 1/30/99
special thanks to K.H.
for helping me find my way back into the rooms of A. A. and for
always being there for me...